Nintendo and Game Freak have officially announced the first mainline games of Gen 9 to be added to the Pokémon franchise, and along with a new generation of Pokémon comes an all-new group of starters. The games will be named Pokémon Scarlet and Pokémon Violet and take place in a Spain-inspired region.
Fulfilling the classic triangle of Grass, Fire and Water, the new Gen 9 starters have all captured the hearts of Pokémon fans everywhere with their sheer cuteness. Which, of course, means that there’s a high chance their final evolutions will be weird, bipedal, humanoid creatures that nobody asked for. Here are our preliminary theories as to how every one of these adorable starters could end up being just some guy.
The Grass Cat Pokémon, whose name is a combination of the words “sprig” and “gatito” (meaning “kitten” in Spanish), is generally regarded as the cutest of the bunch. It’s also a quadruped, but that has never stopped the Pokémon franchise before.
When it comes to feline starters, any Pokémon fan who’s played through Gen 7 is probably getting war-like flashbacks right now. That’s right – I’m talking about Incineroar, the bane of Fire-type starter devotees. The adorably droopy-eyed Litten’s final evolution turned out to be a tiger with a ripped torso and a crotch made of flames, upsetting players everywhere and scarring them for life.
With the Litten evolutionary line, it’s possible that the Pokémon Company was merely testing the limits of its ability. Don’t be shocked if Sprigatito turns out to be a jacked bipedal cat dual wielding a leaf and a branch in its front paws (which are hands).
Fuecoco is the first crocodile starter since Totodile in Gen 2, which means we have one frame of reference when it comes to how this little guy might turn out.
Feraligatr, the final evolution of Totodile, ended up as a bulky, toothy, spiky guy. So what does this mean for Fuecoco? Unlike Totodile, Fuecoco is fairly diminutive and doesn’t have any defined body shape. It’s just a smooth blob all the way from head to tail. It also has two yellow things poking out of its head that might be meant to represent hair, sort of like how cartoon babies are depicted with one single strand of hair on their head.
That only means it’s going to be much more jarring when Fuecoco evolves into a big, round, pot-bellied crocodile man with stumpy legs and little arms. Its first evolution will have a full head of “hair” and its final evolution will be balding. Fuecoco will experience the entire life cycle of a person before your very eyes and you will be powerless to stop it.
Quaxly is a dapper little man with a poufy quiff nearly bigger than its entire head. Other than that, though, it looks like just an average duckling.
No matter – even average ducklings can become weird men, as the old children’s story (roughly) goes. Quaxly’s “hair,” very reminiscent of a hairstyle one might get to seem worldly and mature even though it is unflattering, makes me think of Sobble’s final evolution, Inteleon. After all, not all of the humanoid final evolutions can be big, buff guys. Much like real men, some of them have to be lanky and condescending.
Quaxly’s final evolution will probably be something along these lines – a sleek, streamlined adult duck whose wings double as faux-clothing. Give him a suit-like feather pattern and an even bigger hairdo, and he’ll be primed to explain SpaceX to you in excruciating detail.