New Scarlet and Violet Pokémon ranked by an idiot

As a self-styled Pokémon novice, the only rational reaction to the newly released trailer for Pokémon Scarlet and Violet was to, of course, rank all the newly revealed Pokémon based purely on gut reactions.

The second trailer for the next generation of Pokémon games revealed five new Pokémon: Pawmi, Lechonk, Smoliv, Koraidon and Miraidon. What follows are uninformed opinions about which of these newly unveiled Pokémon is best from a guy who hasn’t played a Pokémon game since Fire Red and Leaf Green.

5. Smoliv

It’s a f***ing olive. The best they could come up with is a literal olive.

Someone really went, “Small olive. Smallolive. Smallive. Smaliv. Smoliv. By god I’ve done it.”

4. Pawmi

Pawmi reminds me of a pug in the sense that I think both are crimes against nature. Pawmi looks like someone took a Vulpix and began to selectively breed out all the Darwinian traits that help it to, you know, live. But don’t worry, it’s super cute.

Beady eyes, oversized front paws, snub nose. Somehow the least offensive aspect of Pawmi’s morphology is its pathetic squawk. Making Pawmi fight against other Pokémon is a new low for trainers, who are already content with a baseline level of animal cruelty.

Pawmi is not a pocket monster. The humans who bred it into existence are the true monsters.

3. Koraidon

Pokémon Scarlet is breaking new ground by introducing the first Legendary Pokémon that looks like a frat bro. Koraidon’s puffed out chest and weird hair scream “overcompensation.” It also has an annoying smirk on its face that make me irrationally angry.

Koraidon looks like it lives in a YouTube content house and makes thirst-trap, shirtless TikToks.

2. Lechonk

As I understand it, Lechonk has quickly become an internet darling. I find that… acceptable. Lechonk doesn’t pretend to be anything other than what it is: a pig. Unlike Smoliv, it doesn’t hide beneath the veil of creativity. It openly admits that it is nothing more than a big ‘ol oinker. And while that may be a smidge disappointing, it’s also hilarious.

I do admit I find something endearing about its sad, goopy little eyes.

1. Miraidon

Miraidon looks the way I imagine a Legendary Pokémon should look. The astral dragon thematic is tried and true, but Game Freak have gone a step further mixing in a bit of a retro, pixelated, arcade look. I think it’s a creative swing that lands pretty well, unlike certain others (hint: f***ing Smoliv [Editor’s note: they can’t all aim for the moon — there’s like a thousand of these dorks. Some are going to just be f***king olives]).